Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Great Seattle Condom Hunt

On 09/25/10, The Brown Bunny and The Cabbage Patch Kid hit the streets of Seattle to search for abandoned condoms. Our journey took us through the legendary district of Capitol Hill, some fine happy hours, and finally down to the Belltown neighborhood. What follows is our documentation of this safe sex quest.

#1: The City Market

Located at 1722 Bellevue Ave in the heart of Capitol Hill, The City Market is the one-stop-spot for all your neighborhood needs. Catering to Seattle's infamous punker/hipster/queer scene, the Market deals in attitude and savings! And its convenient location at the apex of many popular bars and taverns makes this the ideal place for drunken munchies and last-call-hipster-pussy-latex-runs.

#2: 1630 Boylston Ave.

The Brown Bunny showed his bravery by traversing this sinful path of pee stench and poo stains to get this awesome shot. Take note of the dope bag above the wrapper - romance will never die.

#3: Scenic park outside of Seattle Central Community College

I was very excited to find this special 'Vanilla Flavored' condom wrapper when God smiled upon us and The Brown Bunny spotted these four gems in a circle around a single tree - evidence of a late night study session? Or remnants of Capitol Hill's noted transient population? The peculiar formation would suggest some sort of ritual sex via a magick circle but the vanilla condom indicates a naive set of taste buds usually reserved for young "candy" girls or drunken homosexuals. I noticed that Capitol Hill's preeminent gay dance club 'Neighbors' was just across the street- perhaps a meeting of cliques took place - perhaps they clicked?

#4: 'Panera Bread' on Broadway

IT'S A CONDOM EXPLOSION!! Buns and I had many theories as to why this odd display awaited us on such a busy, beautiful day. Buns thought that maybe it had something to do with global warming; the shifting and retardation of several meteorological weather patterns, coalescing into a "perfect storm" resulting in this curious image. "YOU MUST READ THE SUBTEXT OF THE LATEX, CABS!" he said. I figured it had more to do with the Gay Agenda - the agenda to practice safe sex! And not get AIDS. No one wants AIDS. That was nice of them to leave these out here for people.

#5: The Alleyway behind 'Singles Going Steady' in Belltown

We found this baby safely nestled between a horrid fence and an even uglier pick up truck behind the amazing 'Singles Going Steady' record store - one of the true landmarks of the Belltown neighborhood, 'Singles' specializes in great punk rock, nerdy vinyl, and tattooed salesclerks who are always ready to know more about music than you do. The name of the store is a play on words, utilizing a popular theme about trading loneliness and promiscuity for companionship, 'Singles Going Steady' cleverly indicates that they are a business that specializes in vinyl 45 rpm product - but by taking a step back and viewing the message as a whole (and perhaps venturing into the back alleyway) one also receives a message of inspiration and hope - and venereal security. Statistics indicate that you are much less likely to get an STD if you are in a committed, monogamous relationship with an honest partner - as opposed to the increased risk one accepts with a lifestyle of anonymous intercourse and back-alley penetration (condom or not!) So, for all you lonely punkers out there - buy some vinyl, use a condom, and know whose groove you're settin' your needle into.

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