Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Very Special 'Found Condoms' Thanksgiving!

Charles Patrick Moore found this lonely little guy on the corner of 4th and Washington in downtown Olympia at Noon today, just a day before Thanksgiving. Olympia is the Capitol of the Pacific Northwest state of Washington and is the original home to the notorious indie record labels, Kill Rock Stars and K Records. Oly is a beautiful dream, nestled between the Puget Sound and a vast expanse of forest and countryscapes, it is a quiet, progressive community that is very serious about sexual responsibility! Love is in the air, and on the sidewalk! Olympia sure does have a lot to be thankful for!

'Found Condoms' is thankful too! So, in celebration of this great photo and this gracious season, I would like to share with you what I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful for Charles Goodyear, who in 1839, developed a way of processing natural rubber. We have him to thank for taking the first step towards the modern condom that we all love, know, and find today.

2. I am thankful for America's permissive nature - without such a disintegration of Puritanical morals, public sex would be unheard of! I got a hand job outside of the Cha Cha Lounge in Seattle once - it was totally groovy.

3. I am thankful for that girl who gave me that hand job - although I cannot, for the life of me, remember your name. You were wearing a Love and Rockets t-shirt.

4. I am thankful for Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who in 1941, compelled Congress to pass a law instating Thanksgiving as an official national holiday! 1941 was also the same year that Germany outlawed condom use for all of its civilians! Really, what's the worst thing you could have in an oven? A Jew or a bun?

And finally, I am thankful for all of the contributors who have made 'Found Condoms' what it is today! Thanks to Hillary Lee, Wren Collier, Charles Patrick Moore, Jacqueline Lavish, Michael David Holzinger, the Yo-Yo Lady, Robertt Long, Lloyd Kaufman, and Ted Daniels! You are the greatest friends a smutologist could ever have!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Smells Like Lifestyles© Brand Condoms!

Sent in by Jackie from Olympia, WA, this green beauty is the sexual residue of a night of passion with her super groovy boyfriend, Ben. Located at 114 NE Pear St. Apt. #2, Jackie's apartment used to house another amazing Pacific Northwesterner, Kurt Cobain. Yes, the mastermind behind Nirvana supposedly wrote the majority of their first album, Bleach, within the same walls that bore witness to Jackie and Ben's "woo pitching" just last night! What a set of walls!

***I must also mention that it is always a bad idea to flush your condoms down the toilet - they are made of latex and they will clog the drains.***

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Top 5 'Found Condoms' Moments in Film and Television!

In this Special Edition of FOUND CONDOMS, Vince Ynzunza presents the TOP 5 'FOUND CONDOMS' MOMENTS IN FILM AND TELEVISION! Presented in no particular order, the list below assembles a small, yet remarkable, collection of humorous, and sometimes disturbing, moments in movies and television programs where the discovery of a used condom has invoked shock, surprise, disgust, or provided a necessary plot device for the characters involved. This is in no way meant to be a comprehensive list - if you feel we have left out a necessary or obvious inclusion, feel free to comment on the post with your thoughts or recommendations! And also, I must state that ABSOLUTELY NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT is intended! I present these clips for the sake of humor and also as 'FAIR USE' CRITICISM AND SOCIAL COMMENTARY! Please don't sue me. Stay safe, America!

#5: The Hangover (2009)

Directed by Todd Phillips and starring Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis, 'The Hangover' was a critical and commercial success (becoming the 10th highest grossing film of 2009). In the following scene, the three main characters make a surprising find in the backseat of their car! 'The Hangover' is produced by Legendary Pictures.

#4: Killer Condom (1996)

Directed by Martin Walz and starring Peter Lohmeyer, Leonard Lansink, and Udo Samel, 'Killer Condom' is a masterpiece of b-movie schlock from the masters at Troma! Set in seedy New York City, 'Killer Condom' is a movie about just what the title implies - an army of dick-eating killer condoms terrorizing the Big Apple! How could you not want to watch this? The following scene shows a young child finding a condom in a public park, much to the chagrin of his mother! I love the look on this kid's face as he brandishes his find in front of his terrified mom! This kid is awesome! Watch and enjoy!

#3: CSI:NY - SEASON 4, EPISODE 1 (2007)

I'll admit, I'm not a big fan of the CSI series, often it is a paint-by-number program that offers little in interesting or innovative story and character arcs - but I had to include this scene because it manages to do three very impressive things at once - 1. The discovery of the "spray on" condom residue moves the plot by providing a crucial clue that leads to the solving of the case at hand - 2. The scene underwrites the sexual tension that exists between these impossibly attractive crime scene investigators, forced together under murderous circumstances, with their early-30s hormones screaming into high gear set against an ambiguously chosen techno soundtrack - and 3. Through the medium of mindless entertainment, CSI: NY educates the public about an actual technological advancement in the market of prophylactics, a stunning feat indeed! And take a look at the guy's face at the end of the scene, you know he wants to spray that shit all over his throbbing cock and pee in that chick's butt right there - but he's a professional.

#2: Seinfeld - Season 7, Episode 19 "The Wig Master" (1996)

Perhaps the most notorious clip in this list, "The Wig Master" episode of 'Seinfeld' involves a hilarious sub plot where George Costanza grows suspicious about some possible "illegal" activity going on in the parking lot where he keeps his car. In this scene, George is driving Kramer to the aforementioned lot, when Kramer makes a stunning discovery, compelling George to investigate further. If you get the chance, watch this episode, it is CLASSIC 'Seinfeld' - and contains the infamous scene where Kramer becomes a "pimp"!

#1: Thankskilling (2009)

'Thankskilling' is a brilliant, low-budget send-up of b-horror movies - I won't give away too much, I'll just say that it plays on the classic horror trope involving a group of college students embarking on a trip, only to discover that they are being stalked by a psychotic supernatural killer.... A KILLER TURKEY! In the following scene, the group finds their resident "slut" murdered in her bedroom - but the killer has left behind a clue...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sweet Home Ala-Gang-Bang!

On 10/30/10, Me, Hillary Lee, Heather-Victoria Hyche, Wren Collier and Charlie Cheese took a trek through the wilderness outside of the Anniston Museum of Natural History in the great southern state of Alabama! We traversed a mean trail displaying some menacing cages full of various Birds of Prey, mostly owls, one of whom tried to shit on me after peering into my latex soul! We saw some fucking Falcons too! It was fucking intense!

But soon, the birds were far behind and I had my first encounter with Alabama's notorious "red clay" - scientifically referred to as Ultisols, Red Clay soils contain absolutely no calcareous materials! How about that! That means that Red Clay soil has no calcium carbonates! Jesus! But guess what this Red Clay pit did contain?? Condoms! Commonly referred to as a "prophylactic", Condoms are "barrier devices" which are worn around the penis (or sometimes in the vagina) to reduce the risk of pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) - and Condoms have been used for at least 400 years! What the Fuck?!?!

Check out the residue of this amazing red-clay-sweet-home-alabama-gang-bang below!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

*SPECIAL EDITION* Obama Condoms at Ground Zero!

On September 11, 2001, 19 hijackers flew two commercial airliners into the Twin Towers at the WTC in New York City. "Among the 2,752 victims who died in the attacks on the World Trade Center were 343 firefighters and 60 police officers from New York City and the Port Authority. 184 people were killed in the attacks on the Pentagon." (wikipedia) On that sad and horrific day, America, the lion of the world, found herself without protection.... UNTIL NOW!

Yes, thanks to the "Yo-Yo Lady", 'Found Condoms' brings you the latest in Sexual Freedom - three unique political condoms, The Obama Condom, the McCain Condom and the Palin Condom, are available to stimulate political discussion and venereal defense - and all for only $10!

I found the Yo-Yo Lady's merchandise stand just 8 feet away from Ground Zero - she was a sassy, iconic figure, complete with sparkly antennas, glam rock devil horns, and a magical, glowing yo-yo that she manipulated to draw attention and honor the fallen. Apparently, she has authored a book titled "Life According to the Yo-Yo Lady" and also sells weed. Check out the pictures and special video below!

Yes We Can!

A Clear Choice!

The Yo-Yo Lady Practices Her Civic Duty!

God Bless the Yo-Yo Lady!


Vince's 'Obama Condom' Review