Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Wal*Mart: Always Small Penises - Always

Natalie brings us this hilarious photo from a grocery aisle in a Wal*Mart in Jacksonville, AL.

It appears that there is a well-endowed condom thief roaming the beautiful Southern state of Alabama. Or is there? Anyone with a cursory understanding of psychology should be familiar with the idea of the "Freudian Slip", or parapraxis, which is a self-revealing error in speech, memory or physical action which results from a conflicting subconscious train of thought. For example, you're at the dinner table with your family and you want your Dad to pass you the bread, so you ask him to pass the bread. But when you speak your request out loud, you unexpectedly say "Dad, would you please pass the bed?". That means that you want to have sex with your Father. It's science, there's no denying it.

It's also important to stress that these "Freudian Slips" do not just occur with speech - actions can also scream volumes.

So, with this psychological axiom in mind, and viewing this picture again, one cannot ignore the glaring juxtaposition between the Magnum condom box and the mini Bagel Bites! This thief does not have a toddler's leg in his trousers - he has a toddler's penis!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Vince Gets Bored and Makes Fun of People Less Fortunate Than Him!

Shane found this used condom outside of the Puget Pantry on Puget and Pine in Olympia, WA on 02/19/11.

Now, normally for these posts, I will do some cursory research about the area where the condom was found and develop a witty post or a series of clever anecdotes to go with the picture. But did you know that The Puget Pantry is really fucking boring? Seriously, it's just a convenience store. I've been there and I'm familiar with the neighborhood, and there really isn't anything worth writing about.

So I did a google map search of The Puget Pantry and took some screen shots of the 'street view' option. Let's make fun of the people that we see:

Look at this guy! I bet he's going into the Puget Pantry to buy condoms. He doesn't look like he has much sex though, consensual anyways. I bet he works at the Puget Sound Blood Center on 1220 Eastside Street Southeast just a few blocks away and some girl was just donating blood but she donated too much and she passed out and now he's in a super hurry to buy a rubber because he knows he doesn't have too much time.

And look at this guy with his fucking motorcycle talking on a fucking pay phone! Hey fucker! Have you ever heard of the 21st century? We have these things called cell phones! They're fucking great and they've basically made public pay phones quaint and irrelevant! Even Superman isn't gay enough to use them anymore - he changes in the employee bathroom of the Sprint Mobile Store! I bet this guy's gonna get off of the phone with his parole officer and hop onto his motorcycle with a Sony Cassette Walkman and a copy of the Easy Rider soundtrack. Fucking faggot!

This is the house right across the street from The Puget Pantry. I can't see any of the people who live there but I can see their couch. How can I see their couch? Because it's right there outside on their fucking porch! People who have a couch on their porch are the same people you see in the Customer Service line at Wal*Mart, returning an open package of adult diapers. They probably don't use condoms either. See that 'children crossing' sign right outside of their house? That's probably there just for all of the little bastards living inside that strutted out of Momma's stretched vagina with full WWE Superstar pyrotechnics and entrance music!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Proliferating Prophylactics In the Park!

Mikey brings us this MAGNUM find from Seattle's Volunteer Park!

Volunteer Park is located in the legendary Capitol Hill neighborhood and it boasts the best natural and man-made nooks and crannies for the ultimate public sexual experience. According to Mikey, "someone moved a picnic table into the brush. I was walking our dog. There it was next to a Magnum wrapper. Large meal at that picnic."

After receiving this photo, I began thinking about the nature of public sex in relation to the Seattle area - so I asked a few of my local readers to share their public sexual experiences/anecdotes; here's what I found:

"I once saw a couple of Furries there [at Volunteer Park] pissing and shitting on each other. I couldn't see their face[s] so it was kind of anonymous." - Thadeus J. McMasterman

"It was like May or June, I think My then-boyfriend and I were taking a cool-down walk through [Volunteer] Park after a short run around the north end of Capital Hill, and cut in kind of off 15th toward the middle of the park, and were walking through the trees and stuff there and just about stepped over a guy who was lying butt-ass-naked in a patch of sunlight, masturbating. I could totally see that he expected it was a private spot, no reason to think of people coming through the trees like we did, so while I was a little embarrassed as soon as I figured it out it didn't bother me. We just walked quietly by, smiling, and he muttered something like "sorry if this bothers you"... I was impressed with his cool, to be honest.

We went on past him a way, and my boyfriend said "that was interesting" and I agreed. He asked me if it flipped me out and I said no; he asked me if it turned me on at all and I said yeah, it kind of did. At that he stopped, turned to me, and kissed me. He put his hands on my butt, then slipped one down the back of my tights. He stopped kissing me and asked me how I felt about outdoor sex and I didn't really answer, went back to kissing him, and then he took my hand and we took a few more steps back into the bushes/trees again and he peeled my tights about halfway down and was touching me, arousing me, while we kissed. I looked around a few times to make sure we weren't being really obvious and starting touching him, too. After a few minutes I was leaning against a tree with him behind me and he got inside me. We were doing it like that when we heard a voice say "well, wow" and I looked over my shoulder and it was the guy from before. He was dressed, standing there holding his blanket, watching us.

We stopped right away, I was pretty freaked out, and reached down to pull my tights back up. We just stood there, really awkward for like a minute, maybe, and he smiled and walked on by.

And then we finished what we had been doing :)

Never told anybody about that until I confessed it to my husband just a couple of years ago, and he was the one who emailed me your Craigslist ad last night, and said he thought I should answer.
" - Molly D.

"Seven months ago... I did some coke with my brother and went to go grab some whiskey. When we got to my girlfriend's house - we noticed that she had the stripper over. The stripper and I went to go "smoke a cigarette" but actually did some coke in the laundry room. We kissed and went back to the one bedroom that my girlfriend was in. We all took shots and after a little while, my girl and the stripper were making out in the bathroom. Time was running out though and the stripper - my brother and I went to go to the Drum and Bass show. I had been dirty dancing at the show and making out with the stripper until about one, when I decided to sneak back into my girlfriends apt. (the laundry room was underneath the bedroom). We snuck back into the laundry room and I put on a condom and fucked the stripper until sweat and coke were running off my lip. I could taste all the fucking blow I put up my nose and her smell. I couldn't keep my erection up after about 45 minutes and she got a ride home. I went to go sleep in my girl's bed and in the morning she gave me head before I went to work. All i could think about was whether or not she tasted the latex from the night before on my penis." - Anonymous

***And it certainly wouldn't be fair if I didn't share one of my experiences as well, so here goes!***

"It was on a Superbowl Sunday about 4 years ago, I had just sprained my ankle a few days prior and the Seahawks had just lost the game to the Steelers. I traversed the streets of Capitol Hill on my crutches and found myself at The Crescent, a groovy Gay Club on Olive St. I encountered a 19 year old girl with a fake ID and we decided to go back up to my place, which was just above the bar. At the time, I had let one of my weirdo coworkers stay with me in my studio apartment until he could find his own place but he was supposed to be out for the night - he wasn't. I stumbled into my apartment with this girl to find a passed out, snoring bald man lying in the middle of my room. Definitely a mood-killer, but I wasn't going to let this Touchdown slip out of my grasp when it was sooo close. A few minutes later, I found myself in the public hallway of my apartment, clothing strewn across the floor, nailing this anonymous girl that I had just met half an hour prior. I was a bad tenant." - Vince Ynzunza

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Shakespeare's Condom!

This beautiful photo was taken at the C. Douglas Ramey Ampitheater in Louisville, KY during their annual "Shakespeare In Central Park" festival. In honor of the Bard, I composed this entire post as a Shakespearean Sonnet in Iambic Pentameter with an ABAB-CDCD-EFEF-GG rhyming sequence. Enjoy!

Andrew Ludwig brings us this prize! Oh Joy!

Snapped with a lens meant for actors on stage;

He spied this prize midday and did employ

A point-and-click device of the new age.

Shot in K-Y! Jelly? Not that, the State!

Shakespeare’s players performed works by the Bard;

They did not know that there behind did wait

A skin, latex and used by one quite hard.

Safe-Sex is the only way to do it;

To wrap or not to wrap? ‘Tis no question!

Just be quite sure that what you buy does fit

Or else you’ll be at a Lamaze Session.

If you may find condoms throughout this land

Be like Andrew, with camera in hand!